ER

My legs stuck to the seats. The building was frantic. Everything around me was going in slow motion. Everyone was a blur. I felt the steady thump of my heart pressing against my chest. I thought about where I was this morning.

I woke up the same way as I did every morning. I ate the same breakfast. I took the same bus. I went to work the same way. I sat at the same desk. Everything was same. But at the same time, nothing was the same. The phone rang. The message was given. My life was altered forever.  My child had been in an accident. My hands trembled as the phone dropped to the floor. Useless stands, my legs collapsed beneath the weight of my body. I lay there for an instant. In a moment of panic, action was so hard to come by. Finally, I forced myself up. In minutes, I raced to the hospital: my imagination the director of my thoughts.

I reached the hospital. Doctors tried to comfort me. It was too early to tell. I could not see her yet.  Something about procedure. But I was comforted. My heart started to beat to a slower drum. She was such a playful spirit, always on her own schedule. My worries started to dissipated into generous waves of optimism. Everything would be ok, a tiny hiccup in her life. I imagined the shopping adventure that I would take her on to make her feel better once I could. I would make sure to buy her ice cream. She would like that. The blond doctor entered the room. She said I could come in now.

There she was, smiling. I leaned in and hugged her. “Is she ok?” Jhene smiled. “She is ok” as she pointed to the ultrasound. I smiled. My dear Cali was ok. Five months into her young journey, and she was already proving to be a fighter. A bow. I would get her a pretty pink bow. Something to put a smile on her beautiful newborn face once she was mine to hold. I hugged Jhene and went to grab a coffee.

My Apartment Window

It was warm inside of my apartment. The scent of a freshly lit cinnamon candle filled all three rooms. I snuggled my feet into the soft insides of my knit slippers as I sat down and warmed up next to the heater. The coldness of the outside air hovered over the window next to my head. I watched as the rain drops raced each other to the bottom of the sill until they combined into one. The sounds of the city streets outweighed the soft music in my home and filled my ears. I could hear the sounds at any time of the night.

The bus stop filled my window. From above, all I could see that night were the tops of bright umbrellas, and hoods on the less expecting. There was never enough room under the roof of the bus stop waiting area. They looked like cattle to me- all smushed together- trying to fit in one spot. I got claustrophobic just watching them all crowded together, so I turned off my music and headed to my bedroom. Beneath my sheets I closed my eyes, remembering when I was a young child and my mother used to tuck me in. I would beg her to fold the sides of the blanket under me and wrap me up like a cocoon. There was something so comforting about feeling hugged all throughout the night. As I recalled this memory, my eyelids became heavier and heavier until I drifted off to sleep.

My dream was different. Halfway through, everything was muted. The people were talking but no sounds came out. Horns were honking, but the startling noises could not be heard. I woke up alarmed. I knocked my glass of water over and it shattered on the floor. It shattered. I heard it shatter. I heard it- but I heard nothing else. I ran over to my window. As I did so, I heard the floors creak. But when I arrived the once filled window, I knew that my dream was not just a fluke. The window was empty. Nobody was at the bus stop. The roads were blocked off. Nothing moved outside except for the trees from the brutal wind. I went to knock on my neighbor's door. No answer. I knocked again and again all down the hall until my knuckles were sore. Nobody was home. I ran back to my window to meet the same empty streets as before. This time there was a figure walking down the street. Nobody followed him. Nothing else remained.

What was going on?

Thanksgiving

            I am thankful for Jack Rueve. I have had four classes with Jack since freshman year and even when school gets really stressful, he always has a positive attitude. He always has a joke in him which can often times make the class that much less stressful. There is nothing better than a laugh when you are having a bad day. When a concept can be tricky or hard for me to understand he never has any trouble explaining it to me or taking the time to try to figure it out together. I am really thankful that Jack is one of my friends and that I have gotten to know him over these years. 

            I am also thankful for myself. High school is not easy and sometimes you have to be able to give yourself a break! I am thankful that I can be able to take a step back and just relax when I need to. Happy Thanksgiving!

Then He Is Dead?

The question is, is what Macbeth does for the price of power worth it? If I were put in Macbeth’s place, would I make the same decisions and/or choices? The answer is no. If I have to sacrifice my relationships, my sense of self, and my morality what would be the point? If I can’t even look myself in the face at the end of the day, there is no power big enough for me to justify doing ‘Macbethish’ acts. Living with the guilt of deceiving others or committing any other crime would be far too painful to enjoy any of the benefits that committing them may give me. While it is understandable why some people make the decisions that they do, I could never live with myself if I committed any act that Macbeth did. Macbeth never even got to take away the benefits from his acts and crimes because they caught up to him so quickly and he ended up dead. He lost his friends, his family, and his sanity. I do not believe that the ends justify the means what so ever. If you gain power but lose everything else that you care about, it can never truly be worth it. 

"And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty"

In the quote “And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty”, Lady Macbeth is saying that she wants to be filled with evil. In the context surrounding this quote, she relays the idea that she wants to be as evil as man and to feel no remorse. She is ready to take on all of the evils in the world in order for her husband to achieve success and become King.  She has not a doubt in her mind that she is willing to trade all of her womanly attributes to the evil ones of a man. I find this extremely interesting because during this time period, women were portrayed as delicate, kind, and weak. These adjectives in no way embody the characteristics of Lady Macbeth. Her character does not follow the average portrayal of women during this time period. In her mind, there are not visions of flowers and puppies but rather visions of murderous acts and cruelty. She desires to be a figure of evil, which is quite unusual for this time period. Lady Macbeth is a character that I find very intriguing and I am looking forward to seeing how she develops as the plot continues.